Before I learned of my life as an edgeless wound
stretching across walls of lies, I’d listened to men
 
open my heart to doors of desire with many
tongues. I begged for silence each time they said:
 
I love you because you’re crazy; girls like you
catch my fancy. I love you because you’re smart
 
& goal-driven. I love you because God, you’re hot,
unafraid, sensual. Unlike the other women I know—
 
timid, living in fear, afraid of each other. I love you
because you don’t care what others think. I love how
 
you love me. & how you make me feel like I am
a flower growing through a hole in a fence of sorrows
 
& you’re running through my veins, blocking out
the darkness. I love you because you’re ‘nice’.
 
I love you but my people wouldn’t let me take home
a girl like you. I love you but I’m just not there right
 
now. I love you but you’re too exposed. I love you but
you don’t wear atamfa very often. I love you but
 
you don’t even speak your native language. I love you
but you’re quite popular. I love you but your dreams
 
are too big for a girl from the north. I love you but I
cannot control you. I love you but you have daddy
 
issues. I love you but I’m married. I love you but
you’re just too much. I love you but more like
 
a friend. I want to do really bad things to you though;
maybe tie you up a little sometimes. Walk my way
 
into the warmth of your insides — kiss & touch you in
places where my prayers pull moans from your mouth.
 
I love your voice & how your accent hardens
my groin. I love you but I wish I had met you earlier
 
‘cause now I’m emotionally unavailable. I love you
but I’m still hung up on my ex. I love you but now
 
I have to get mean & distant so you break up 
with me because I’m actually starting to feel 
 
something for you. I love you but I’m not looking 
for anything serious right now. I love you but I’m 
 
just not the man for you, you will get the love 
that you deserve, be patient. I love you. & I don't.

Zainab Kuyizhi